This is not for you.
This is for Solitude.
I went back to the place of the first night,
Yet tonight there was no moonlight–
Only dim orange glare and the drip, drip of a rain-bucket
reservoir.
You told me this is where your ex-girlfriend comes to
write poetry.
That made it real for me.
We climbed the willow and laughed at the awkward position
it put me in.
When it was time to get down, I was scared–like the kitten I always am.
Yet I would not let you help me. I was not ready to fall
Into your arms…In love.
If I crane my neck and turn my head just right I can see
a star
“…Light, star bright,
The first star I see tonight;
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight.”
I reminisce…
We are back on that mountain
My car parked in the side of El Oro.
We see stars bright
We see stars die.
And on their death we make a wish
But I didn’t let you kiss me.
I wasn’t ready.
This is not for you.
This is for Solitude.
I don’t remember the night I fell in love with the idea
of us,
Just like I don’t remember the details of our first kiss
Because I didn’t know it’d be our last.
But in that moment, I realized,
Covertly sexy, you are my sublime catharsis
The quivering nexus to my solar plexus.
You are my wonder-bright obelus,
Dividing the walls that are between us.
And it is obvious that I love you.
Above you or below you I only seek to
Throne you in the castle of our wonderland.
And we’ll fight dragons with plastic swords.
I’ll stare them down with my eyes,
You’ll tame them with your words.
We’ll hold hands and make believe with childlike
innocence,
Our hearts beating with the resonance of divine
instruments.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
The snap back to reality, realizing the narrative isn’t
real for me–
You didn’t want to be a part of my story.
But still, a girl can dream.
This is not for you.
This is for solitude.
And it’s solitude I embrace
Because it understands my mind.
I don’t have to expose myself to find
An emotional connection with an idea.
You were an onomatopoeia ‘splat’
On the canvas of my brain.
Even though some residue remains,
All my sources say that in time it fades.
And one day I’ll escape
From every memory that brings you back to me.
Every other corner of this city
Someday will release me.
But for now,
“I’m a creep.
I’m a weirdo,
What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here…”
I wipe away a tear that found a track down my cheek
And get up and weave my way back toward the street
Secretly wishing I was back on the bear, on my car, in
your arms,
Observing a dying star
And wishing a different wish with a different attitute.
But this is no longer about you.
This is for solitude.
